Dirty Rotten Kitty

Finally gave up on the migraines quitting and went to the doctor. I told him I hadn't taken any blood pressure medicine since end of November and he asked me when I last had a migraine before February. Well I thought and thought and it turns out since I got on the high blood pressure medicine---drrrr---he said the pills are a beta blocker, sames as migraine meds. Blood pressure was in good range even without the meds, but he put me back on a different one since I couldn't stand the last one. Also put me on anti-depressant since I went into a tail spin in his office. Figured I needed something. I've known the imbalance is back after I sat through my Birthday lunch crying and crying and not able to stop. Embarassed Gary who tried to give me a nice lunch. Just lost it. I made the mistake of taking both new meds at the same time and paid dearly for it. I shook to the core. Face became flushed, and upset stomach followed. I will try a different approach today.

Well it snowed 2 inches this morning, then the sun came out and melted it all this afternoon. Yeah!! But it was prettier than rain. Went out yesterday because we got up to mid 30's and full sun. Nice day. Went to look at a house yesterday. Cute outside, older home but with new roof and siding and a great fenced in back yard. The only problem it was a repo that was horrible inside. Needed to be gutted and redone inside, but since we aren't Jason, I passed on it.

The next paragraphs are a continuation in time---Time has passed and I have figured out when to take my meds. One makes me hyper and the other makes me sleepy. Also we looked at another house last night (Thursday March 2) that was a great house inside. We had been talking to the owners about rent to buy. They had to leave town due to unemployment and have had to make the payment on it for many months. House was bi-level. You walk in and you either go up or down. Upstairs was a great room, kitchen with island, deck, 2 bedrooms, and bath. Downstairs(a walkout basement) a bedroom, den and full bath with a laundry room as big as our one in Chatham. The Great Room had the coolest cathedral ceiling with a big window on the front wall that looked like and an arch on top.

Sounded like a way we could move in, rent 12 months, then buy it when we owed no one, but after talking to the father of the lady who owned the house we are having second thoughts. The lady is expecting and has a small child already and isn't employed. Turns out he doesn't think too highly of his son-in-law who happens to be a Pakistanan. Says the man can't keep a job. He has already had three after leaving Grand Rapids. So, Gary and I talked and decided these would not be good people to rent from because we are afraid they would not pay the payments to the mortgage company then we would be put out if the mortgage company took it back. Anyway they are asking too much for the house although it is only five years old. They've probably got a second mortgage on it and are upside down in it. I think I'll wait and see if the mortgage company takes it then see if we can pick it up. The housing market bubble has burst here. You would not believe the foreclosures in the paper and rent to own. We will keep looking, this is only the second house we've looked at. There are many, many manufacturing places closing down and outsourcing to Mexico. Unions are reeeeal big here, so a lot of union busting going on. Yes I know we could just stay where we are at, finish paying off everyone then look for a house, but we want a house our kids can come home to for Thanksgiving, Xmas or when ever they feel like it. We may just stay here till then but we are looking and getting a general feel of the market and what to expect.

Okay on to other things. I bought a toy for Rocky not long ago that looks like a kitty that's been flatten. It's called a dirty rotten kitty. So he and I play with it and I tell him to go get the kitty. He throws it around and beats it up and we play tug of war with it, and I say kill the dirty rotten kitty, mean kitty. Well this morning I let the dogs out to go do their thing, and I notice there is a little kitten by the home next to us. It's like 22 degrees outside and snow showering. All the dogs but Rocky have run down the stairs to their little patch of heaven. Rocky sits starring at the kitty. The kitty must of suddenly decided my house looked warm inside because he began to run toward my deck. I ran out yelling no kitty, no kitty, but he keeps on coming running up the stairs. Rocky then poked his head through the gate, with the hair raised on his back, barking and growling after I started yelling "kitty". Of course, then the other dogs get in on the barking action and I have total choas on my hands. Here I am on the deck in my pajamas, hair not combed yet, bare footed screaming at the dogs to not eat the kitty and get in the house. Thank God I live in a trailer park, because I certainly fit the part this morning!! Running around the deck trying to keep the kitty and the dogs separated and trying to run the dogs back into the house. The most excitement I've had in ages!

Mr. GreenThumb (yes someone actually calls himself that on TV here) says we are going to have an early spring! The trees and bushes are barely budding, and the tulips are trying to peak out and see if it is time to make their debut yet. And guess what---I can hear the song birds again. Not many mind you but enough to notice life is returning. The snow has also melted. We now have snow but it either melts later in the day or the next day. Any day now I expect Sherlock will wake up and be knocking at my door wanting a hand out. I love Spring!!!!! I can go outside, plant, and enjoy my little critters. Can't hardly wait!

You Must Follow Your Own Path

Weather report from Michigan--can you guess---it's snowing!! Last Friday was probably the worst day weather wise since we moved here. We had rain, ice, snow, high wind, thunder and lightening and then a tornado watch. Then Saturday our high was 7 degrees with wind chill of -15. Burrrrr. Today we should be back up to 22--heat wave! At least we were lucky. Thousands of people on the north side of town still don't have electricity therefore no heat. The powers to be opened up schools for shelters for people without electricity in other parts of the city. The ice broke a lot of trees knocking out electric lines. But as far as snow goes, it is prettier I have come to believe than rain. Rain is gray, nasty and depressing. Snow is white, shiny and dry (at least here).

December it snowed ever day, January temperatures ranged in mid 30's to 40 so most days were filled with rain, rain and more rain, February winter finally set in. Also it seems my migraines have made a reappearance. Yesterday I experienced my third one so far since the beginning of this month. I had one down at Jason's, one when I got back and then I woke up again yesterday with another one. Hopefully, it will be the last one for awhile.

I think I'm internalizing everything again and just sitting by and not telling myself enough is enough. I'm sitting around not resolving things that are bothering me inside. Jonathan and I have that in common. It is easier to stick my head in the sand and pretend things will change. It is up to me to change the things that bother me. To accept it or change it knowing it is my right to fullfill my path in life, whether other people in my life can accept it or not, but knowing I am not short changing my values. Values of knowing what is right for me and what is wrong for me, and not settling because of fear. Fear of loneliness, fear of unacceptance, just fear of failure.

I tell my offspring they have to make their choices in life and live with them. They have to know what they will accept and what they won't accept. At this point, I have given them all that I can give them in knowing they are valuable people not only to me but to other people in this world. They must follow their own path, just as I must finishing making my own journey. I may not like or even approve of some of their decisions or even accept some of them, just as I am sure there are many things about me they don't like or approve of, but I will never stop loving them. We are all human beings with faults who sometimes along the journey lose what is right and valuable to us as human beings. We sometimes misplace what we know is right and wrong. We tell ourselves it doesn't matter because we are not worthy of anything else. As a individual, we all have the right to happiness and peace. As long as we are able to examine our motives in what will make us happy or at peace.

We must never take a back seat in our own lives. This is where I have failed in setting an example. I have always been driven by someone else while I sit in the back seat waiting for decisions to be made about my life. I have stuck my head in the sand waiting to be told how to live my life, thinking I am incapable of making any correct decisions or having any original thought or feeling I am worthy of living my life for me. I blame no one but me. These were the choices I made. Now I live with the circumstances. The circumstance of not setting an example of self strenth and self worth to my kids. I have failed them because I have never had any self worth. This is the cycle that has to be broken. It is too late for me, but they still have time to learn their self worth and to follow a different path than I followed.

Live your life for yourself. First examine what your values are. Know what is right and wrong for you. Know what you will accept and what you can't accept. Hold pride in who you are. Find the positive parts of yourself and shout them to yourself and the world. Know your self worth is as valuable as anyone elses. Put that value on it. Value yourself first. Be kind to yourself and look in the mirror and say I love you each morning to yourself. Know you are a valuable part of everyones lives that you touch. NEVER allow anyone to steal your value from you. NEVER give it away. NEVER throw it away on your own.

"A life not worth examining, is a life not worth living" Examine it each day and live it for you.

Long Time No See or Write

Yes it has been a long time since I wrote anything on my blog but that is because I have been busy. Busy you say? Who me? Not really but it is hard to write when you are down in the dumps and who wants to read about that anyway. So anyway here is what has been happening in my life.

Bonnie and Clyde and Cuddles came to live with us while Jason and Andrea lived in a motel in St. Louis waiting to close on their new home. Time line---Spent Xmas at Springfield, December 30 they closed on the sale of their home in Springfield; weekend of New Years we traveled to Sandras to spend a Happy New Year with her because I stress we were invited, although this turned out to be the worst New Years I have ever had because we were made to feel totally unwelcome to be there (not by my sister) but her family. I now know without MamaO around we are not welcome there. After the New Years disaster, we brought Bonnie, Clyde, and Cuddles back to Michigan. Jon took Freckles and Boo-Boo home with him, leaving me with Hercules, Rocky and Poochie and the three elephants.

I posted pics of the elephants so Andrea and Jason could see what they were up to until I found out their lap-top was broken, so I stopped even doing that. I had to make a trip to Carbondale in January to help Jessica through knee surgery. She ran into a piece of stereo furniture and cracked her knee cap and tore a ligament. Also, Jason and Andrea met me in Carbondale to take charge of Cuddles. The Wednesday before I left on my trip on Sunday, Cuddles stopped eating hard dog food, her mouth was bothering her so I bought her canned food. She was able to eat two cans of that, but her appetite for food and life were leaving her. That Friday I watched as she had a seizure. That Saturday her stool became black and tarry. By Sunday on the trip she didn't want to be touched and she had been gnashing her teeth the whole time she had been with us. On the trip, I told her to just hang on so Andrea and Jason could see her one last time. After Jason and Andrea picked her up they had to face the hardest and most selfless decision they have ever had to make so far in their lives. Cuddles no longer is in pain. She has moved on to the next plain in her cycle of life. She now can chase all the "shinys" without breaking anything or stepping on anyone. I know the day that Hercules locked Andrea out of the truck at the gas station and she had to squeeze through the back window to get inside, Cuddles had that silly little grin on her face laughing at her mom and Herc. Andrea and Jason and Gary and I miss her terribly. She was a joy and a pain, but always loved.

After Jessica got back on her feet, Hercules and I went to St. Louis to see Jason and Andrea. Hercules decided he needed to stay with his original mom and dad to help them through their grief some. Hercules got to spend two weeks in the luxury of a motel, going everywhere everyday with Andrea. He was in heaven to be the "top" dog. He blew his diet off though. They fed him all kinds of people food and I'm sure he loved it!

Oh and by the way, Happy Birthday to me. January 31 I turned 53. February 1, I took Bonnie and Clyde to their new home in St. Louis. Boy was that a trip! Bonnie rode shot-gun the whole way. She kept having nightmares and I kept having to wake her gently because I was afraid I would lose an ear too. While she was at the house, Poochie jumped up on the bed while Bonnie was sleeping and scared her. Bonnie jumps quick as lightening and chomps half of Poochies ear off. Poochie just sat and cried, because she didn't know what had just happened. Bonnie just layed back down and went to sleep. Bonnie should be renamed Mike Tyson. Clyde spent the entire time going from one side of the SUV to the other. Never eat in a car around Clyde. I almost lost a finger over a french fry! I now know why I am not the owner of a big dog. I can't handle them. They are overpowering.

I was just going to run the dogs home spend one day and then come back, but I stayed a week and its a good thing I did because I got sick the second day of my visit. I picked up a virus. Jon brought my dogs to St. Louis this last weekend and Gary drove down from Michigan and Jessica came too. Jason and Andrea had a house full and we are all thankful to have been able to see them and their new house.

Jon was a little down this trip. Not sure why exactly, because he doesn't open up to me about his life. He holds everything in. I can only hope he's able to talk to someone. Just know that I love you Jon and if you ever want someone to talk to I'll try to just listen and not talk. I know he has been working on some big projects lately that are due shortly and he's been putting in a tremendous amount of overtime, so hopefully he is just worn out from that. He said he is creating and drawing more now. I know this has always been what interested him more at least I think I know-not totally sure because he doesn't open up much to me. He is great at creating and drawing that I do know and he has always been. Must be the time of the year, Jason and Gary are pulling down the overtime too.

Andrea is becoming a "work widow". Jason is working long hours and is finishing up his first project with Midcoast (he has been there a little over two months). While we were there he got a promotion to Program Manager and another raise. Garrett may have sucked but he learned a great deal while he was there! Congratulations Jason.!! But note, your work is not who you are. You have a life to live too. Right now you need to prove yourself in your new job, but when that pressure is off remember you have a life outside your job.

Jessica is limping around and still in re-hab but she is getting there. Ruff semester for her, but she has to expect it, accept it, due to her injury, but know that things will get better with the knee and if she has to take something again it won't be the end of the world. She's enjoying cutting up dead people though---yuck! It's her Chemistry that's got her struggling. Wish Uncle Win could help.

Well, folks, that's all there is. No squirrels to report on. Clyde pretty much scared them off. Ducks are currently wading around in 12 inches of snow looking for food. Haven't seen the possum since Clyde came here either. Watched all season one of Desperate Housewifes-recommend it, Sopranos one and two season, and Deadwood season one, HBO's Rome season one, and The Wire, season one and two, and Empire Falls by HBO. Recommend all these. Thank goodness for Netflix. It is helping me survive as a snow shut in. Also saw "Unchained Memories", a HBO documentary. It was created from the Library of Congress and the last of the living slaves recollections in 1930. Great documentary. Makes you wonder if we were made in Gods image is God capable of such atrosities as men are to other men? I suppose the Christian would explain mans evilness as the devils influence--but aren't we suppose to be from God's image?

Finishing up on Steven Kings Dark Tower series--wouldn't recommend any past the second book to anyone, just feel compelled to finish what I started. Reading Oprah's book Night. Read Million Little Pieces in December but felt there was something missing or not true and guess what my gut instinct was right. Felt angry after reading it. As a "food addict", I knew it didn't ring true. If that's all it takes is to decide the addition is over with, I would have been there many, many, years ago. Actually reading 4 books at once right now a mystery if you call Stepahnie Plum mystery (more humor than mystery), and Dean Koontz (my horror hero) book to add to Kings and Oprahs. Between reading, tv and dogs my days are full. My own little world, basically void of people. I have found it's the easiest and safest way to function in life.

Happy Valentines Day to everyone that bothers to read this.